Nobody fights over the will. They fight over what the will never mentioned: the daughter who did the driving to every appointment for years, the son whose tuition got paid when the others’ didn’t, the business loan everyone has quietly agreed to forget. Jonathan Shenkman, a financial adviser writing in Monday’s Experts column, puts a number on what’s coming — an estimated $105 trillion passing from older Americans to their heirs by 2048 — and argues the dollars are rarely the problem. The unrecorded history is.
His first fix is the one families resist most: pay the caregiver now. A child who spends years on hands-on care gives up income and promotions, and parents usually mean to settle up with a bigger inheritance later — which leaves the caregiver bitter at an equal share or the siblings resentful of a larger one. Shenkman’s answer is a written caregiver contract, with a set rate and a fixed payment schedule, drafted with an elder-law attorney so it doesn’t jeopardize Medicaid eligibility or trip a gift-tax wire. Compensate in real time, then split the estate evenly.
The second fix is bookkeeping. Tuition for grandchildren, a down payment, a loan to one child’s business: the amounts and dates turn contested the day a parent is gone. So keep one ledger. Every gift goes in within 30 days, with the date and the dollar figure, plus a written call on whether it counts against that child’s inheritance or stands apart — and the reason why. Then hold every child to the same rule.
Equal isn’t the same as fair
Then there’s the part most wills get wrong without anyone noticing: give two children the same dollar amount in different kinds of accounts and the after-tax results can be far apart. Money in a Roth IRA reaches an heir with no income tax owed; money in a traditional IRA or 401(k) arrives with the tax bill still attached. Under the Secure Act’s 10-year rule, most nonspouse heirs must empty an inherited traditional account within 10 years, and if the owner had already started required minimum distributions, the IRS wants annual withdrawals in years one through nine, not one lump in year 10. A Roth must also be emptied by year 10, but the withdrawals are tax-free once the account has met its five-year holding requirement. Shenkman’s matching rule: the Roth to the child in the high bracket, the traditional account to the one in the low bracket. Real estate gets a step-up in basis — decades of appreciation, erased — but arrives with property taxes, upkeep and no easy way to sell a third of a house. Weigh what each asset is worth after tax and carrying costs, not its sticker. And match structure to the person: a monthly annuity for the child who can’t hold on to money, a lump sum for the one starting a business, a trust that gives equal dollars on different terms.
Our read
This is Estate planning, and the lesson we’d underline is Shenkman’s last one: whether the heirs heard the reasoning while the parents were alive is, in his experience, one of the strongest signals of whether they’ll fight after. He wants a family meeting — led by an estate attorney or a family-governance consultant for larger estates — with an explicit window for questions, and a short letter of intent explaining the reasoning behind unequal gifts, caregiving pay and business decisions. Nobody has to disclose balances at that meeting. What has to be said is why — out loud, by the people who made the decisions, while they can still answer the follow-ups.
The practical hook for most families is the account-type piece. The 10-year rule changed what a traditional IRA is worth to the person who inherits it, which makes beneficiary designations — not the will — the document that decides who pays the tax. If you have a Roth and a traditional account and children in different brackets, the designations deserve a look this year, and so does whether converting some of the traditional balance while you control the bracket makes the eventual split cleaner. You don’t renovate during the flood. A quiet autumn afternoon with the beneficiary forms, the gift ledger and a draft of the letter is the time — and it’s a good conversation to have with us in the room.